Why Chewing Gum Should Be Illegal

no chewing gums sign

The use of chewing gum has long been a controversial topic, and the debate over its merit and uses is not likely to end soon. While the pro chewing gum lobby currently holds the upper hand, it is of vital importance that the sale, purchase, and use of chewing gum should be made illegal at the federal level and in all fifty states. Here are five reason why chewing gum should be illegal:

1) Chewing gum can be extremely addictive. While some pro-gum lobbyists may claim that chewing gum has certain mental health benefits we all know that even if these benefits are real, the potential of becoming addicted to chewing gum is far more dangerous to make the possible benefits worthwhile. People would be liable to destroy their lives through incessant chewing of gum, and even if it didn’t wreak havoc on their personal health, their finances would suffer terrible.

2) Chewing gum is a gateway to any number of other bad habits. It always starts off with just one stick of Wrigley’s Doublemint, and degenerates into something worse. When the gum chewer runs out of his stash, he is liable to move onto trying to chew other things to satisfy his appetite, such as his fingernails, or (in some extreme cases) table legs. It doesn’t stop there though. Chewing gum with sugar in it can also lead to a dangerous sugar addiction, fed by candy, soda, and other foods, ultimately leading to horrific tooth decay, obesity, and even type 2 diabetes.

3) Chewing gum makes you rude and stupid. There’s a reason why chewing gum is often associated with rude and airheaded people. Chewing gum in public is extremely rude, and this one infraction leads to the degeneration of all other sorts of manners and common decency. We also can tell based off observing the flighty and unintelligent behavior of many gum chewers that there is a causal link between the two. Remember, correlation always equals causation, and that remains true in this scenario.

4) Chewing gum is bad for society. Even if gum chewers only chewed in the privacy of their own homes, their behavior still makes the rest of society confused and uncomfortable. If we cannot maintain the solidarity of society against gum chewing, how can we do more important things like fighting the war on obesity, or making sure that Burger King doesn’t run off to Canada?

5) Making gum chewing illegal is good for the economy. All the money that people spend on gum could be spent on more important and useful things, like cell phones, or coffee. Even if that money doesn’t immediately flow back into the economy, think of all the jobs that could be created and maintained in the prison system if chewing gum were illegal. Even though we know making things illegal is a sure way to keep 99% of the population from doing them, the other 1% will keep on, and when they are inevitably caught, they can be shipped off to prison. If chewing gum were legal, there would less prisoners, and there would be less jobs for prison guards.

By locking up these immoral, stupid gum chewers, we can ensure that they don’t harm society, that they don’t pick up other bad habits, and that their rudeness and stupidity will only affect their fellow gum chewers, all while providing a living for prison guards, and the police that bring the gum chewers to justice. If it means a loss of freedom for the gum chewer, so be it. The greater good is always worth it, plus we know that this will ultimately help gum chewers and dealers to turn their lives around towards more productive pursuits, like alcohol consumption.

Disclaimer: This piece is poorly written satire. It is not the conviction of the author that the state should legislate what people may or may not put in their bodies. This post is used to point out the flaws in the logic of those in favor of legislating the medical or recreational use of drugs.


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